The Courtship of Meta-Chloe, part-troi

The last few weeks had been a whirlwind for Cameron. He ran through as many interviews as he could for the story, sifting and sorting. Whenever he could, he did the interviews on-line or by phone, spending the rest of his free time studying the specially marked Bible Rayford had given him, or meeting with Rayford's pastor, Bruce. And whenever he could, he attended Sunday services and bible study. It wasn't entirely religious devotion... there was one other regular attendee he looked forward to seeing each time.

When the GW article finally went to press, Cameron was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief. He had to re-write large parts of it just hours ahead of the deadline, and he wrestled long and hard with that decision. The pastor had actually been fairly helpful, though he did tend to eye Chloe at bible study ever since.

That relaxed feeling vanished the very next Wednesday. Chloe was conspicuously absent from the prayer study, and when asked, Rayford just looked sheepish and embarrassed. (then again, Rayford looked sheepish a lot, in Cameron's opinion) Buck spent half the meeting writing a note for Rayford to give his daughter, but even simple writing gets tricky if you know that the father of the girl you're sweet on will be reading the note, and reading it first.

Cameron was too nervous to attend the Sunday service, plus with his boss jumping ship to work for Carpathia, things were starting to slip around the office. But when he showed up for the mid-week prayer group, and Chloe still wasn't there, he started getting really confused. Rayford somehow picked up on that, and told Cameron to ride back to his house.

Rayford walked Cameron up to the door, then gently laid a hand on his shoulder.

"She's out back, on the porch. She's really mad at you."

"She wants to talk to me?"

"She doesn't know I brought you here, but she's mad, and you don't know what it was that you did to make her mad, and she's not the type to go calling, so you go back there and figure all this out with her. Now, go!"

Read the rest

The Courtship of Meta-Chloe, part duex

An ongoing effort to re-write the relationship between Cameron and Chloe; the original scene being re-written can be found here and here with Fred's commentary.

Cameron dragged himself to the airplane gate, glassy-eyed and near-mindless. Dinner with the Steeles was a strange but invigorating affair. On the one hand, he had to stop himself from mooning over the Captain's young daughter; he kept wanting to stare, to drink in the details of her face. On the other hand, if Steele's claims were true, then the internet-based attacks on Iran's nuclear facilities (the Gog botnet) and on the Russian Army (the elusive MaGog computer virus) were connected to The Event, and all of it was really just a warm-up for what was coming next. Cameron had researched conspiracies before, uncovered what powerful corporations and governments had wanted to cover up, and before dinner was done, he had already started identifying sources to contact, questions to ask, and information to research.

Which was why, less than 12 hours later, he was barely conscious as he boarded his flight to Chicago. He'd spent most of the night writing emails, making phone calls, and lining up interviews with trusted sources. What he hadn't done much of was sleep, and his memory of Coach seating at Pan-Con didn't offer much hope of rest. He'd bought a bible at the airport gift shop, and had notes on sections to read and cross-reference with other sections.

"Mr. Williams?" The preternaturally-chipper employee at the gate had keyed in his ticket information and seemed amused. "It looks like you've been upgraded to Business Class. We hope you enjoy your flight."

Cameron blinked groggily before remembering the Captain asking about his travel arrangements the night before. Was Rayford trying to butter him up, make him think better of the Captain and by extension make his Rapture theory more plausible? Cameron smirked at the thought: sure, he'd been offered huge bribes, threatened by third-world dictators, but hey, an upgrade to business class? That changes everything!

(more below the cut)

When Meta-Cameron Met Meta-Chloe: The introduction

A revisiting of the courtship of Cameron and Chloe with, you know, better characters and whatnot. The LB version with Fred's commentary is here and here.

Cameron’s head was buzzing as he made his way through the airport. The last time he’d felt anything remotely like this was during the ‘MaGog’ incident. The official explanation then was a sophisticated, multi-tiered computer virus code-named MaGog disabled the entire Russian and Iranian war machines in the middle of a strike against Israel. The reality was planes falling from the sky, missiles detonating harmlessly in mid-flight, and a tiny nation escaping the wrath of a former superpower totally unscathed. Any explanation seemed too small for the scale of what he witnessed. Every attempted explanation just made the whole thing seem bigger and more frightening.

Now, it was the massive, world-wide disappearances of every child, as well as a small number of adults, mostly Americans. All anyone could call it was “The Event”, and while there was some official claim of electro-magnetic radiation, once more, the reality was too big for such a small explanation. And every small answer just showed how big this event was.

Cameron was meeting an airline pilot who was in the air at the time of the Event. Cameron hoped the pilot might have seen something, or heard something, or noticed something on his instruments. Clues about the Event had been scarce so far, and Cameron had a deadline for filing his story. Fortunately, he’d met a flight attendant who knew the captain, trading a meet-and-greet with the new U.N. Sec-Gen for the interview. An uneven trade probably, but if this captain could break the story, no one would care about the U.N. for weeks.

Read the rest

18 months later

Adapted from a brilliant comment by Chris the Cynic:

It didn't feel like a good idea, but Chloe was right. It was their best hope. Nicolae was the most powerful man on earth, imbued with power that seemed to be without any coherent bounds, and given that he was willing to oppose God himself he might be open to their mission. If anyone could oppose Jerry it would be Nicolae.

And if something was going to be done, it had to be now. Since an indeterminate number of people had been taken, naked, into Heaven Jerry had monitored what seemed like every single incomprehensible waking moment. They had been forced on rails through the surreal return to normality that had followed the worst disaster in history.

The time they had to themselves had always been in scattered stolen moments. There was never the opportunity to actually try to do anything. Jerry even micromanaged things like conversations about the logistics of a takeout dinner.

It had seemed hopeless, then there were three words that gave them all hope: Eighteen months later.

The prospect of a year and a half without Jerry looking over their shoulder gave them hope for the first time in what seemed like forever. If they were going to oppose Jerry, this universe's ruler and creator, they would need to act in this window because another one might not arise. And they would need allies.

Buck reminded himself of all of this, took a deep breath, adjusted his shirt for the thirty seventh time, and stepped into the Antichrist's office. Within a few minutes Nicolae was laughing. Loudly.

Eventually Nicolae stopped laughing and when he caught his breath he addressed Buck:
-

Buck Willams left the UN building and walked quickly to the nearest phone. He wasn't sure how much of a head start Nicolae would give him. Chloe answered, when she asked him what happened he said, "I can't tell you over the phone. Pack light and be ready to run." He was going to end the conversation there, but decided to add one thing. "Remember how you said you wanted to use a crossbow on bad guys?" She did. "Buy a crossbow."

The Grass is Always Greener (Piggy edition)

Because this story involves profanity, cruelty to animals, and other upsetting content, it's behind a jump-cut. Proceed at your own risk.

The Grass is Always Greener...

This originally appeared in the comments of TF: Saving Hattie Durham under another title that has subsequently been used multiple times. The body of the story is behind a jump-cut.

My Dinner with Evil

Chaim Rosenweig entered the yacht club's dining room, feeling the throb of his master's dark power beneath his skin. This was to be a test, Nicolae said, of his loyalty, his wit, his usefulness. As he crossed the crowded room, candles dimmed slightly, and diners paused uncomfortably, forks midway to their mouths. They felt the presence of evil, like a field mouse senses the eyes of a distant hawk. Cameron Williams was coming, and Chaim's duty was to find out what he knew, and what he suspected. The dark gift of power seemed unnecessary; Chaim had stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Cameron when the sky over Israel burned with nuclear fire. And in a world where so many had gone missing, and so many more had gone mad with grief, Chaim knew he would be a familiar, comforting face. Especially in light of "Buck's" recent demotion.

Chaim watched Mr. Williams & his escort walk across the crowded room, saw the effort Cameron made to look relaxed and at home. Oddly, it wasn't the hulking gorilla of a bodyguard Nicolae sent that seemed to make him uneasy, but his travel-rumpled clothes and slightly unkempt appearance that seemed to make him feel awkward. Chaim rose from his seat as Mr. Williams approached.

"Mr. Williams! A pleasure, as always! Millions of people vanish worldwide, and we are fortunate that you were not among them!"

Most reporters cared about the story, but celebrity reporters like "Buck" Williams cared about 'access to important people'. Vanity & pride, Chaim reflected, make such excellent tools. Chaim waited until they were both seated again, waited for "Buck" to pick up the menu before speaking again.

"My friend, I've been meaning to ask you something. The meeting at the U.N., where were you?" A simple question, with one simple answer. Or with a host of complicated but dishonest answers. This was why he was here, Chaim reflected, instead of Nicolae. If Cameron was on the other side, he might tell his trusted friend Chaim Rosenweig, but he certainly would never be so honest with The Beast.

"That's the question of the ages," Cameron said. "Where are any of us?"

Rosenzweig's eyes twinkled, and Mr. Williams lowered his head while raising his menu. No doubt his cheeks were coloring out of shame.

'Well,' thought Rosenweig, 'so much for the camaraderie of shared trials.'

There remained one other matter to resolve. Buck had clearly found God before that meeting, had the Armor of the Lord shielding his mind to the illusions the Beast had woven. But as faith can be found, so too can it be lost, and Chaim has seen in Buck both pride and envy in just the few minutes of this meeting. It seemed that like the atheist in the foxhole, once Mr. Williams no longer felt the threat, he no longer followed the faith.

"It's too early to tell, of course, but if the formula works as well as it has in Israel, Botswana will immediately become one of the most fertile countries in all of Africa, if not the world." Chaim decided to play this out a bit further, to see just how pious Mr. Williams was, how strong his new-found faith might be.

"Oh, Chaim! For what? Billions of dollars that Israel no longer needs? It makes no sense! It's one thing for Isreal to feed herself for pennies on the dollar, but if you turn the African continent into a horn-of-plenty, it'll devastate economies world-wide! The farm belt of the U.S., the fertile crescent of Asia..."

Chaim suppressed a smile. Feeding billions, an end to hunger worldwide, and Cameron's first thought was of the wealthy first-worlders who would be cast down from on high.

"Cameron, please! The formula only works for grains & pulses, the most basic of food stocks. Fruits, flowers, herbs, the world will still need those. It doesn't matter how cheap the grain is when you make beer if you don't have any hops to preserve it with! Those lands you describe are rich and fertile, I'm sure they can find all sorts of budding flowers and herbs to grow." Yes. Flowers and herbs. The cocoa, the cannabis, the poppy, those crops are always in demand, and always fetch high prices.

"But why are you here? I thought I was meeting with Nicolae?" Cameron asked, seemingly oblivious.

"Ah!" Now would be a good time to see how 'Buck' responded to temptation. "We want adequate press coverage of the work we're setting up in Botswana. The impact on both a local and regional level, progress and production, all that. Mr. Carpathia remembered you worked for a global publication, and as an award-winning journalist, you might uncover elements of this story that would get missed by our PR folks. We want people to feel like they're getting the whole story, not just what we want them to hear."

Of course, Chaim knew about Cameron's humiliating demotion from international reporter to regional desk jockey, but a proud man would never admit to such a shame after being given such an offer. Would Cameron take the pious route and decline the story because of his demotion, or would he-

"Well, I understand you coming to me for the credibility my name lends," Cameron said, "but I'd need complete independence. Both you and Nicolae to know that I won't be a pawn for your organization." Cameron smiled at the end, no doubt thinking himself clever for his weak double-entendre'.

"Of course," Chaim said. It was time for the final test. If Mr. Williams was indeed a changed man, a pious servant of the Lord, then the dark powers Nicolae had gifted Chaim with would be unable to touch his mind. But pride... pride goeth before the fall...

"All right. I'll have someone contact you this week to work out travel arrangements. You should try the salmon. You'll love it." There was a near-inaudible difference in the last two sentences. Only those favored by the Beast or his Adversary would have heard the subtle, inhuman inflections.

Mr. Williams had once boasted to Chaim that he made it a habit to ignore recommendations in restaurants. It probably was one of the reasons for his nickname, because most servers would love to rhyme with it. "Buck" ordered what Rosenzweig suggested. And he loved it. Of course he did. Relished every bite. It was clear that some people never truly change. Chaim smiled over his wineglass, looking forward to telling his master that they had nothing to fear from "Buck" Williams.

Left Behindfeld, Act III

Left Behindfeld: a comedy about a book about nothing. The following covers the "activity" of Tribulation Force.

Featuring:
“Buck” Williams = Jerry Seinfeld
Rayford Steele = George Costanza
Chloe Steele = Elaine Bennis
Rev. Bruce Barnes = Kramer
Guest starring Christina Hendricks as Hattie Durham
Plus special guest star playing the role of Nicolae Carpathia


ACT 3

[SCENE: A Chinese restaurant. JERRY and GEORGE are already seated.]

GEORGE: They’re almost a half-hour late! Where could they be?

JERRY: I don’t know. I called Elaine and left her a message with the address & the table time.

GEORGE: Are they standing us up? Did you talk to Elaine? What did she find out about Hattie? What did she say to Hattie about me?

JERRY: I haven’t heard from Elaine. Maybe she’s still at home. I’ll go call & see if I can reach her.

JERRY gets up, goes off-screen to the pay phones.

[Cut to: a pulpit on a dias; KRAMER comes into frame from the left, wearing rumpled frock, unshaven. He stumbles as he walks up, catching himself on the pulpit, which nearly tips over. He straightens up, and runs a hand through his horribly wiry hair.]

KRAMER: Uh, hey. Hey everybody…

[Cut back to the restaurant. ELAINE is just getting seated. JERRY walks in from the other side of the screen]

JERRY: Oh good, you made it. I just checked my voice mail to see if you’d called.

GEORGE: Where’s Hattie? Didn’t you two come together?

ELAINE: George, she’s not coming.

GEORGE: You didn’t tell her I would be here, did you?

ELAINE: Well, I wasn’t going use your story about not feeling safe alone with Jerry!

JERRY (to George): You think she’s not safe being alone with me?

ELAINE: Actually, after some of the things she said, I’m not too sure about you.

GEORGE: It was just part of the plan, Jerry. It’s not like you two need my permission to date. Though if anyone had asked, I would have offered my blessing. I’m happy to chaperon…

JERRY: You know you’re perfectly safe with me, don’t you Elaine?

ELAINE: From what Hattie said, I’m starting to think any woman would be safe alone with you…

GEORGE: Why did you ruin my perfect plan? We could have had a nice dinner, talked about Jesus, and shamed her into quitting her new job and breaking up with the Anti-Christ! Now I gotta go think up a new plan!

JERRY (to Elaine): So, still want dinner?

END CREDITS

[End Credits music bed playing]

[JERRY is talking on the phone in his apartment]

JERRY: You know, in spite of it all, I think dinner went OK.

[cut to GEORGE sitting on the couch of his own apartment, holding the phone]

GEORGE: What’d you talk about?

JERRY: How much we want to talk to each other, when we could meet to talk again, what kinds of things we might talk about next time.

GEORGE: Then what?

JERRY: Well, I wanted to check my voice mail to make sure I hadn’t missed any calls, and she decided she’d rather go home.

[cut to KRAMER, standing by the door of a church, shaking hands with the parishioners. Nearby, a man in a dark suit stands, watching him.]

OLDER MALE CHURCH PATRON: A very interesting sermon. Do you believe Carpathia is the Anti-Christ?

KRAMER (nervously smiling): Well, now, I never said that, did I?

FEMALE CHURCH PATRON: But you said that the Anti-Christ would be known by certain signs! And Carpathia meets all the signs!

KRAMER (increasingly nervous, looking & smiling at MAN IN DARK SUIT): I’m certainly not naming any names! Not pointing any fingers! The Anti-Christ could be anybody, really.

MALE CHURCH PATRON: But your sermon seemed pretty –

KRAMER: Hey buddy, Scripture is a mysterious thing! Don’t go around trying to put words in the mouth of God!

OTHER CHURCH PATRON: So you’re saying Carpathia is not the Anti-Christ?

KRAMER (flustered): Um, ah, er, God works in mysterious ways. Don’t try to second guess the mind of god! It’s all there in the Book of Revelations! It’s in the Bible people!

[cut to HATTIE walking down the street with someone at night; we can only see him from behind; he is blonde, and wearing a long dark coat. ]

HATTIE: I’m so glad to see you. I’ve had a really bad day. This guy I used to work with is still trying to get in touch with me. When we worked together, all he would talk about was how unhappy he was with his wife. Now, he’s trying to get me to have dinner with him, apparently for Jesus’ sake. He’s really creepy around women in general; he actually got one of his female friends to ask me out for him!

CARPATHIA (still from behind): He’s probably just realized most people never get a second chance, and regretting that he missed his opportunity for happiness. Is he still hanging around that washed-up journalist?

HATTIE: Yeah. They’re probably on the phone right now, talking about Jesus. Still, there’s something really not right about him. He always acts like he’s the most important person in the room. I’m almost worried he’ll try to do something to me for rejecting him.

CARPATHIA turns to HATTIE, revealing guest-star ROBERT REDFORD

CARPATHIA: I wouldn’t worry about it. Guys like that are all talk, no action. (smiles) [FREEZE FRAME, END CREDITS]

Left Behindfeld, Act II, Scene II

Left Behindfeld: a comedy about a book about nothing. The following covers the "activity" of Tribulation Force.

Featuring:
“Buck” Williams = Jerry Seinfeld
Rayford Steele = George Costanza
Chloe Steele = Elaine Bennis
Rev. Bruce Barnes = Kramer
Guest starring Christina Hendricks as Hattie Durham
Plus special guest star playing the role of Nicolae Carpathia

SCENE: JERRY’S apartment. Jerry is eating peanuts and talking with GEORGE.

JERRY: So, any news on the ex-girlfriend?

GEORGE: Hey! We were never physical! It was purely a flirting thing!

JERRY: Do you think it’s a purely professional relationship between those two? The stewardess & the anti-Christ? I hear he’s really handsome.

GEORGE: They’re called flight attendants now. And what’s that supposed to mean?

JERRY: Well, I mean, he’s the Secretary General to the U.N., and he hired a flight attendant to be his personal assistant.

GEORGE: Are you suggesting that there’s something improper going on between the two of them?

JERRY: He’s the anti-Christ, I don’t think it’s possible for him to have proper relationships.

GEORGE: It does kind of bother me that they might be sleeping with each other.

JERRY: Oh, if he's the spawn of Satan, I doubt there's much sleeping.

GEORGE: So what do you think I should do? Should I tell her he's the fourth horseman? You know, so she can save her soul, and break up with him?

JERRY: Hmmm, I dunno. What if she really likes him? I mean, this guy gives her a job, treats her nice, and frankly, her last boyfriend was you…

GEORGE: You don't think that if I told her about this anti-Christ business, that she would rat me out to him? You know, tell him that I know what he is.

JERRY: It's a definite possibility.

GEORGE: Oh man. He’s the head of the U.N.; he could probably have me killed or tortured or locked up!

JERRY: What’s this about dinner with Elaine?

GEORGE: Oh yeah, I sort-of told her you wanted to have dinner with her. But I guess she feels uncomfortable being alone around you, so I suggested she bring Hattie along, and then I’d show up after you all arrived to make it a four-some! That way, I can talk to her about her satanic boss, and she won’t be expecting it!

JERRY: That sounds like a perfectly well-thought out plan. I’ll call for reservations. (walks over to the phone & starts dialing)

KRAMER bursts through the door, lit cigar in hand, unshaven, shirt un-tucked and rumpled.

JERRY: Oh hey Kramer. How’s the sermon coming?

KRAMER: Bad, Jerry. I think this Andes guy is having me watched!

GEORGE (to Kramer): Carpathia?

KRAMER: I don’t know what do to, Jerry. I can’t keep silent, not when I know the truth! But I can’t warn people he’s the anti-Christ, or Mr. Alps will have me rubbed out.

JERRY (to George): Yeah, Carpathia. (into phone) No, not you. Yes, for four. Six-o-clock. OK (Hangs up the phone)

KRAMER: Hey, what was that I heard about a foursome just before I came in? You do know that sort of thing is, ah, un-godly? (tilts head and makes clicking noise)

JERRY: Not like that. We’re just having dinner with Elaine and George’s ex-girlfriend.

GEORGE: She’s not my ex-girlfriend. She’s working for the Anti-Christ!

JERRY: And we think she might also be dating the Anti-Christ.

KRAMER: Whoa! Dating your boss? Now that’s a serious no-no! I don’t remember this one, George. What’d she look like?

GEORGE: Here. Her picture’s in the paper because she’s working for you-know-who… (snorts derisively)

KRAMER looks at the paper, does a double-take.

KRAMER: Giggity! You were getting with that, George?

GEORGE (annoyed): It was never a physical thing!

KRAMER (grinning): Too bad! If you’re going to pay the penance, you might as well enjoy the sin! That’s what I say!

JERRY: And you’re a minister!

KRAMER (gesturing with his lit cigar): But not a very good one!

Left Behindfeld, Act II, Scene I

Left Behindfeld: a comedy about a book about nothing. The following covers the "activity" of Tribulation Force.

Featuring:
“Buck” Williams = Jerry Seinfeld
Rayford Steele = George Costanza
Chloe Steele = Elaine Bennis
Rev. Bruce Barnes = Kramer
Guest starring Christina Hendricks as Hattie Durham
Plus special guest star playing the role of Nicolae Carpathia


ACT 2
SCENE: busy coffee shop. KRAMER is standing in line with several other patrons.

Another customer approaches KRAMER

PATRON: Thank you, Kramer, for warning us about the Anti-Christ.

A MAN IN BLACK overhears this, and looks over at KRAMER. KRAMER notices the MAN IN BLACK, and is startled.

An older couple approaches KRAMER

OLDER MAN: Kramer, with all of the strange things happening lately, I can’t tell you how much of a comfort your sermons have been for me.
KRAMER (nervously): Well, I don’t know about that. I just try to speak the gospel, and offer comfort. The book’s the same as it’s always been!

OLDER WOMAN: Yes, but now, with the disappearances, and the treaty with Israel...

KRAMER: Nope! I’m just reading the Gospels! Same as I did last week, and last year!

The MAN IN BLACK stares at KRAMER, and gets up as a young woman approaches KRAMER.

YOUNG WOMAN: Reverend, I just wanted to say-

KRAMER (frightened): No, no, you’ve got me confused with someone else. Whatever you think I said I didn’t say, and even if I said it I didn’t mean it because it wasn’t true and you couldn’t prove I said it anyway.

KRAMER bolts for the door.

END SCENE

Left Behindfeld, Act I, Scene III

Left Behindfeld: a comedy about a book about nothing. The following covers the "activity" of Tribulation Force.

Featuring:
“Buck” Williams = Jerry Seinfeld
Rayford Steele = George Costanza
Chloe Steele = Elaine Bennis
Rev. Bruce Barnes = Kramer
Guest starring Christina Hendricks as Hattie Durham
Plus special guest star playing the role of Nicolae Carpathia


[SCENE: GEORGE and ELAINE are sitting in a car, driving through downtown Chicago]

GEORGE: So, uh, what’s going on between you & Jerry?

ELAINE: What? I dunno. He seems nice. He does call me an awful lot though.

GEORGE: Yeah, me too. I think he just likes the phone.

ELAINE: Who likes the phone?

GEORGE: He does, apparently.

ELAINE: I mean, if it’s for someone out-of-town, I can see using the phone to chat. Or if it’s late at night and you can’t meet in person, I can see using the phone.

GEORGE: He’s called me late at night when he couldn’t sleep.

ELAINE: (pause)

GEORGE: He just wanted to talk about the Bible. It was a Biblical chat! Nothing more! Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

ELAINE: Aaanyways, why would you call to talk to someone who lives in the same city as you? Just seems kind of weird to me.

GEORGE: Then don’t see him. Don’t talk to him.

ELAINE: On the other hand, he does have that sort of “older man/father figure” thing going for him. And you seem to think he’s OK.

GEORGE: Did you know Hattie Durham was in town?

ELAINE: Your ex-girlfriend? No, why?

GEORGE: She’s not my ex-girlfriend, nothing physical ever happened. I heard she got a new job with the U.N., and I wanted to make sure everything was OK with her. You know, how she’s getting along with the new boss, if she likes New York, if she’s seeing anyone…

ELAINE: You want to call her up and ask her THAT?

GEORGE: Actually, we sort of parted on not-so-great terms, so I was kind of hoping that… you would call her. You know, woman-to-woman.

ELAINE: Why should I do that?

GEORGE: Well, maybe if there was a certain journalistic-type you were interested in, I could arrange a date. (GEORGE claps his hands in excitement) That’s perfect! A double-date! You tell her you want to meet with Jerry, but that you need a, ah, what’s the female term for a wingman?

ELAINE: Wingman?

GEORGE: Nevermind. Just tell her you don’t want to meet him alone, so ask if she’ll have dinner with you.

ELAINE: You’re not going to be there, are you?

GEORGE: It’s perfect! It’s foolproof!

ELAINE: Oh, there’s proof of a fool around here somewhere…

[END SCENE]

Left Behindfeld, Act I, Scene II

Left Behindfeld: a comedy about a book about nothing. The following covers the "activity" of Tribulation Force from pages 60-74

Featuring:
“Buck” Williams = Jerry Seinfeld
Rayford Steele = George Costanza
Chloe Steele = Elaine Bennis
Rev. Bruce Barnes = Kramer
Guest starring Christina Hendricks as Hattie Durham
Plus special guest star playing the role of Nicolae Carpathia

[SCENE: JERRY’S apartment. JERRY is talking on the phone, finishing a conversation. He hangs up, then immediately dials his voice mail.]

JERRY: No messages on voice mail. No one called while I was on the phone. Good. I’m all caught up on messages.

KRAMER bolts through the door, into the room, looking confused and disheveled.

JERRY: Oh, hi Kramer! Glad you could stop by. You seem a little agitated.

KRAMER begins pacing back and forth, head & hands twitching.

KRAMER: I’ve been reading the Book of Revelations, Jerry. Bad stuff, man. Really bad stuff. The End Times are upon us, and it’s NOT good news!

JERRY: OK, calm down. What have you found out?

KRAMER: Well, for starters, that Montana guy?

JERRY: Carpathia?

KRAMER: Yeah, him. I think he’s the Anti-Christ!

JERRY: Of course he’s the Anti-Christ. I told you that. I saw him murder someone, brainwash everyone else in the room, and divide up control of the world to his ten lieutenants.

KRAMER: Yeah, right. At that meeting you were never at, for that story that you never published! Well never mind that. The stuff in this book, it’s out there Jerry. Really trippy stuff! And I think it points right at Mr. Appalachia!

JERRY: Carpathia.

KRAMER: Whatever. Anyway, I gotta work on my sermon. The people have got to be told, Jerry. The people must be told!

JERRY: Don’t you read the paper, Kramer? Carpathia is the head of the U.N. now.

KRAMER: So?

JERRY: The U. (pause) N. You know what that stands for?

KRAMER: What?

JERRY: The United Nations. Look, we have a President of the United States, and he’s one of the most powerful men in the world. This guy is basically the president of the United Nations, and a nation is a lot more powerful than a state!

KRAMER (worried & confused): So what are you saying, Jerry?

JERRY: I’m saying the U.S. is a nation with a president, and the United Nations has the US as one of its nations. So the Secretary General of the U.N. is like the President of Presidents, the King of –

KRAMER: Hey, watch it now!

JERRY: I’m just saying you might want to be careful about calling him names, because if you’re right, he’s not only really powerful, but pretty evil too. You know, like the “hiring goons to take you out” kind of evil.

KRAMER (shocked and nervous): Really? You think so?

JERRY: Oh I think so!

KRAMER (sounding choked): But I’ve already started telling people he’s the Anti-Christ!

JERRY: Well, you should stop telling people. Heck, you should try to figure out a way to un-tell people if you can.

KRAMER (looking panicked): I gotta go!

KRAMER bolts out the door, slamming it behind him. JERRY looks mildly amused, walks over to the couch, picks up the phone and starts dialing.

JERRY: Hey Elaine! You going to church on Sunday? Hmm… hey, have you seen my new apartment yet?

[END SCENE]

Left Behindfeld, Act I, Scene I

Left Behindfeld: a comedy about a book about nothing. The following covers the "activity" of Tribulation Force from pages 60-74

Featuring:
“Buck” Williams = Jerry Seinfeld
Rayford Steele = George Costanza
Chloe Steele = Elaine Bennis
Rev. Bruce Barnes = Kramer
Guest starring Christina Hendricks as Hattie Durham
Plus special guest star playing the role of Nicolae Carpathia


ACT 1
[SCENE: New York Chicaco street sidewalk. GEORGE and JERRY are walking along the sidewalk.]

JERRY: So, did you see the see the newspaper item about your old girlfriend?

GEORGE: My what? Jerry, you know I married my high school sweetheart. True, she vanished in the Event, but I haven’t had any other girlfriends.

JERRY: What about the stewardess you always hung around with? You know, the one you were always flirting with?

GEORGE: Oh yeah, Hattie. She was something, wasn’t she? Too bad it never went anywhere.

JERRY: Yeah, why didn’t it go anywhere?

GEORGE: I’m a married man, Jerry! I have principles!

JERRY: Principles like constantly flirting with a subordinate at work and stringing her along with stories of how unhappy your marriage is?

GEORGE: (glares at JERRY) (pauses) So what was this newspaper item about?

JERRY: Oh, so you remember how I introduced her to that Nicolai Carpathia guy? Turns out, not only is he now Secretary General of the U.N., but that he really needed a good personal assistant. Guess who he hired?

GEORGE: No way! I remember hearing about him getting that job. Wait, weren’t you supposed to cover that story?

JERRY: I did cover the story, remember? He shot the guy who was helping him, and then covered it all up!

GEORGE (sarcasticly): Oh that’s right. Big cover-up. That only you know about. Which is why you’re reading about the news instead of writing about it now.

JERRY: Ha ha ha. Very funny. Anyway, I just though you should know your ex-girlfriend is working for the Anti-Christ, and they’re both in town for some conference.

GEORGE: Hmm... hey! I’m going down to Kramer’s church for services Sunday. You gonna be there?

JERRY: I dunno. I’ve got to get home to check my messages, and I’m meeting with Kramer in a few hours. Will Elaine be there?

[END SCENE]