LW07 - Results

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You have voted on the entries. Now prepare to read the results.

At 3rd place ex aequo, we have Entry no. 1 ("Tuna Fish") penned by Spalanzani and Entry no. 4 ("Leftover Turkey") authored by Bugmaster with 5 votes each.

2nd place (7 votes) goes to Entry no. 3 ("Peanut butter and jelly") written by Jesurgislac.

And the WINNER of the Legendary Write-Off of 2007 with incredible 22 votes - i.e. 56% of the vote - is Entry no. 2 ("Sandwich making for omnipotent beings") written by hapax.

As for the bonus round, the author of the mystery piece was Bugmaster. Only 30% of those voting in this round got it right.

Congratulations!

ST Note: I'm taking down the polls, so here's the official record of the results. Entry 1 got 12% of the vote, Entry 2 got 56%, Entry 3 got 17%, and Entry 12%. 10% of voters (3 people) thought that Spalanzani wrote the mystery piece, 40% (12 people) thought that hapax wrote it, 20% (6 people) thought jesurgislac wrote it, 30% (9 people) thought that bugmaster (who actually did write it) wrote it.

LW07 - voting

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You have seen all four entries. Now prepare to vote.

As for the bonus round, this entry was written by one of the four contestants. Your task in this round is to identify who - that is, to match the bonus round entry with one of the regular entries.

Good luck!


EDITORS NOTE:

Vote using the widgets in the left column of this page. PLEASE NOTE THAT THE ENTRIES BELOW ARE POSTED IN REVERSE ORDER! Number 1 is at the bottom , number 4 at the top. It's a little Floridaesque, we admit, but be not confused! muck up not your voting!

Comments on this post may be used to discuss the merits of the entries. Do not read until you have voted!

LW07 - Bonus round

Hidden Sandwich: The Tool of Victory

As every Gearsmith worth his salt knows, an unexpected advantage, no matter how minute, may mean the difference between victory and defeatin combat. The mighty Hidden Sandwich, when constructed and used properly, can become that advantage.

1. Forging the Sandwich.

1a. Collect any remains of lesser sandwiches that you can find around your lab. You will need 5 to 6 such remains in order to forge the Hidden Sandwich. If you find more than 6 sandwiches, pick the 6 oldest, crustiest ones, and discard the rest. If you do not have enough sandwich remains, take some from your research assistant's lunch. He won't mind.
1b. Fire up your Runic Forge. Place the remains in the forge until they glow red-hot. When the remains are hot, divide them into two approximately equal piles, and place each pile onto the anvil.
1c. If you happen to have any quick-setting runic alloy, apply it to the remains now.
1d. While the remains are still hot, strike them repeatedly with the Runic Hammer; alternate your strikes between each pile. Flatten the remains into two thin, solid sheets (about 0.5 cm in thickness). Re-heat, fold, and re-forge the sheets as desired, as though making a
damascus blade. Then, allow the sheets to cool naturally (do not quench !).
1e. Place some tomato slices on top of one of the sheets. Cover them with a titanium armor plate, then place the other sheet on top. Using an electric arc welder, weld the edges of your sandwich together.
1f. Paint the sandwich in aesthetically pleasing colors.

2. Wielding the Sandwich.

2a. Hide the sandwich in the front pocket of your greatcoat. Then, challenge the meanest, dumbest looking warrior that you can find. 2b. Your enemy will draw his gun and aim it at you, expecting you to fall on your knees and beg for mercy. Do not do this. Instead, strike a dramatic pose and taunt him.
2c. The enemy will now attempt to shoot you. At the last moment, pull out your sandwich and place it between yourself and the bullet. The sandwich will safely absorb the lethal impact.
2d. Your enemy, dumbfounded by your skill, will be temporarily paralyzed with fear. Do not allow him to recover. Instead, draw your Runic Cannon, and shoot him in the face.
2e. Gloat over your fallen opponent.

3. Cautionary Notes.

3a. Do not attempt to block beam weaponry with the sandwich. It won't work.
3b. Store the sandwich in a cool, dry place.
3c. Use goggles when operating Runic machinery.

LW07 - Entry no. 4

How to Make a Turkey Leftover Sandwich

In its original state, leftover turkey can be unappetizing and boring.
However, with a little preparation, and two pieces of bread, you can
transform even the dullest leftovers into a tasty snack, known as a
sandwich. To make the sandwich, you'll need the following items:

* Leftover turkey. Look for it in your refrigerator.
* Bread. Look for it in your kitchen cupboards.
* A cutting board. Look for it in your kitchen, near the sink.
* A plate. Look for it in your kitchen cabinets.
* A sharp knife. Look for it in your silverware drawer.
* (optional) Vegetables, such as lettuce or tomato. Look for them in
your refrigerator's crisper compartment.
* (optional) Condiments, such as mustard, ketchup, or mayonnaise. Look
for them in your refrigerator door, or in your kitchen cabinets.

Once you have all the supplies assembled, proceed as follows:

1. Prepare the bread.

Examine the bread that you have found. Pick the least stale loaf of
bread that you can find. If your bread is pre-sliced, pick two of the
freshest pieces. Otherwise, use the knife and the cutting board to
slice off two flat, thin pieces of bread from the loaf. The pieces
should be no thicker than approximately 1.5cm. Pick one of the pieces
to serve as the Base of the sandwich; the other piece will function as
the Roof. It doesn't matter which piece you pick, as long as you keep
them consistent. Place both pieces onto the plate.

2. (optional) Apply condiments.

If you have not found any condiments, such as mustard, mayonnaise, or
ketchup, skip this step. Otherwise, pick your favorite condiment.
Then, extract approximately 1cc of the condiment out of the bottle
onto one of the pieces of bread, and, using the knife, spread it out
evenly across the surface of the Base. Repeat this process with the
Roof. When placing the Base and the Roof back onto the plate, make
sure the side with the condiments on it faces upwards.

3. (optional) Apply vegetables.

If you have not found any vegetables, such as lettuce or tomato, skip
this step. Otherwise, using the knife and the cutting board, cut your
vegetables into thin slices. Then, place the vegetables onto the Base.

4. Apply leftovers.

Using the knife and the cutting board, carve out some thin, wide
pieces of meat from the turkey; these pieces should be no thicker than
1cm. Place the pieces onto the Base in such a way that they cover most
of its surface; if you have performed step 3, place the meat on top of
the vegetables.

5. Seal the sandwich.

Pick up the Roof, and carefully cover your sandwich with it. If you
have performed step 2, make sure the side with the condiments on it
faces inwards.

That's it ! The sandwich is complete. Enjoy your snack.

-------

Attachment 01: Supplementary diagram

Sandwich, side view:

//////////////// Roof
~~~~~~~~~~~~ Condiments (optional)
************ Meat
- - - - - - - Vegetables (optional)
~~~~~~~~~~~~ Condiments (optional)
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ Base

========================== Plate

LW07 - Entry no. 3

“How To Make A Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich”

You are a guest from Narnia, visiting with an American friend. Your friend is ill, and isn’t allowed to get out of bed. Your friend asks you to make a peanut butter and jelly (PB&J) sandwich.

A sandwich is food between two slices of bread: what you call a slather in Narnia.

You will need to ask your friend some questions. You can get them all asked in two sets.

The first set of questions:

“Where in your kitchen will I find:

• peanut butter; jelly; bread;


• plates, knives;


• a breadboard and breadknife?”

Your friend may respond “I use sliced bread.” This means bread bought already sliced: you will not need breadboard or breadknife.

• Peanut butter is made in America with three important variations: crunchy/smooth, sweetened/unsweetened, salted/unsalted.


• Jelly is what Americans call fruit jam.


• Both peanut butter and jelly will be kept in glass jars with screw-top lids.


• A screw-top jar opens by twisting right-to-left (widdershins).

Locate the bread, peanut butter, and jelly. If there is more than one option for any of these three, take note of which options exist for each one for the second set of questions.

Find a plate large enough for two slices of bread lying next to each other, and two knives, blunt ones for spreading, not cutting.

The second set of questions:

Go back to your friend and ask, as necessary:

• Which bread shall I use?


• Which peanut butter shall I use?


• Which jelly shall I use?


• What would you like to drink with your sandwich?

If making a PB&J sandwich on sliced bread:

A loaf of sliced bread will be in a clear bag sealed with a coloured twist. Do not take the slice at the end of the loaf. Put the slices on the plate. Close the bag and reseal it with the twist.

If making a PB&J sandwich using unsliced bread:

The loaf will probably be less robust than the bread you are used to, so you may have to cut a thicker slice and spread more gently than you would at home.

Method:

Take some peanut butter and spread it on one slice of bread, right out to the crust. If you make it too thick, the peanut butter will squidge out when your friend bites into the sandwich. Try for slightly thicker than the blade of the knife when you look at both edgeways.

Repeat for the other slice.

Using a different knife from the one you used for the peanut butter, take some jelly and spread this out on the peanut butter on one slice, covering the surface completely with a thin layer.

When you replace the lids on the jars, twist them left-to-right (sunwise) until each is tight enough on that you can pick up the jar by the lid.

Put the slices of bread together as you would for a slather. Cut the bread diagonally from one corner to the other.

Make your friend a drink. (See “What They Drink On The Other Side of the Wardrobe”.)

LW07 - Entry no. 2

TO MAKE A SANDWICH

1. Create a material universe. Include all inherent processes to form such physical particles and fundamental forces as will eventually result in the development of sentient life on a medium-sized planet in an insignificant quadrant of an undistinguished galaxy. (The precise details are left as an exercise for the creativity and technical skills of individual sandwich makers.)

2. Wait fourteen billion years.

3. Select an extant species exhibiting both opposable digits and the capacity for abstract thought. Endow with free will, moral discrimination, aesthetic judgment, and a multitude of tasty, tasty spreads. Choose an individual representative of species to serve as Person Receiving Optimal Physical Hunger Eradication Treatment (PROPHET).

IMPORTANT: WASH HANDS BEFORE PROCEEDING TO STEP FOUR!

4. Assemble sandwich in the same manner as described under Procedure 289712B, “TO TEST THOSE WEAK IN FAITH”, with the following emendations:

a) Substitute sliced bread for sandstone strata;

b) Substitute assorted condiments for datable volcanic deposits;

c) Substitute various fillings for hominid fossils;

d) Substitute sprinkled seasonings for stone tools

in accordance with the omnisciently-determined needs and desires of PROPHET, except as noted in Step Five.

5. Special conditions:

a) For PROPHET SubClass Muslim, avoid PORK products.

b) For PROPHET SubClass Hindu, avoid BEEF products.

c) For PROPHET SubClass Vegan, avoid ALL ANIMAL products.

d) For PROPHET SubClass Pythagorean, avoid BEAN products

d) For PROPHET SubClass Southern Baptist, add extra MAYONNAISE.

e) For PROPHET Subclass Jew, consult Appendix K.

6. Any incorporation of Olive Loaf into Procedure will be grounds for immediate damnation.

7. Always conclude Procedure with ritual dismissal, “You want fries with that?”

LW07 - Entry no. 1

Tuna Fish Sandwich Assembly Manual

Before getting started, you will need the following:

Ingredients

• bread
• tuna, canned or otherwise
• mayonnaise
• Anything else you want to add. You’re the one making this damn sandwich

Utensils and what-not

• a cutting board
• a sharp knife
• a dull knife
• a medium-sized bowl
• a large spoon or something equivalent
• a can-opener (if you use canned tuna)
• a plate

I will assume you know where to find these; this is your kitchen after all. If you do not have these things, then you are probably not the sort of person who would make their own sandwich anyway. This manual is not for you. Go out and get Chinese food or something.

Step 1

First, place your tuna in the bowl. If you’re using canned tuna, make sure to first take the tuna out of the can using your can-opener. If your tuna is not canned, why the hell are you using it to make a tuna fish sandwich? Make something classy.

Step 2

Next, add the mayonnaise to the bowl. I’m going to leave the proportions of all this to you, so add as much or as little as you want. You’re the one who’s going to be eating this thing. At this point you can also add any extra ingredients you want to the mix.

Step 3

Now take your large spoon and stir the contents of the bowl until they are well mixed.

Step 4

Take two slices of bread and place them on your cutting board. Use your large spoon to scoop some of your sandwich+mayonnaise+whatever mix unto one of your two slices of bread. Don’t put too much on, or you’ll end up spilling your sandwich’s contents all over your lap when you try to eat it.

Step 5

Take your dull knife and use it to spread your tuna mix evenly over the slice of bread. Once you’re satisfied, take the second slice of bread and place it on top of the first. There, an actual sandwich!

Step 6

Now take your sharp knife and use it to cut your newly formed sandwich in half diagonally. Next, take your sandwich and put in on your plate.

Step 7

And…that’s pretty much it. If you don’t know what to do from here, then a manual isn’t going to help you.

Legendary Write-off of 2007

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You have accepted the challenge. Now prepare to receive instructions.

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to write a manual or guide of no more than 500 and no less than 300 words describing the procedures involved in preparing a sandwich of your choice. You are to restrict your entry to the task of preparing the aforementioned sandwich from assembling the ingredients to serving the final product on a plate or other equivalent vessel. Submit your entries to legendary.writeoff.2007@gmail.com no later than Monday November 12th noon Eastern Standard Time / 5pm Greenwich Mean Time. Your entries will then be published anonymously and voted on by the Slacktivite community. Voting will close on Wednesday November 14th 3pm EST / 8pm GMT and the winner will be announced shortly afterwards.

Good luck!