TO MAKE A
1. Create a material universe. Include all inherent processes to form such physical particles and fundamental forces as will eventually result in the development of sentient life on a medium-sized planet in an insignificant quadrant of an undistinguished galaxy. (The precise details are left as an exercise for the creativity and technical skills of individual sandwich makers.)
2. Wait fourteen billion years.
3. Select an extant species exhibiting both opposable digits and the capacity for abstract thought. Endow with free will, moral discrimination, aesthetic judgment, and a multitude of tasty, tasty spreads. Choose an individual representative of species to serve as Person Receiving Optimal Physical Hunger Eradication Treatment (PROPHET).
IMPORTANT: WASH HANDS BEFORE PROCEEDING TO STEP FOUR!
4. Assemble sandwich in the same manner as described under Procedure 289712B, “TO TEST THOSE WEAK IN FAITH”, with the following emendations:
a) Substitute sliced bread for sandstone strata;
b) Substitute assorted condiments for datable volcanic deposits;
c) Substitute various fillings for hominid fossils;
d) Substitute sprinkled seasonings for stone tools
in accordance with the omnisciently-determined needs and desires of PROPHET, except as noted in Step Five.
5. Special conditions:
a) For PROPHET SubClass Muslim, avoid PORK products.
b) For PROPHET SubClass Hindu, avoid BEEF products.
c) For PROPHET SubClass Vegan, avoid ALL ANIMAL products.
d) For PROPHET SubClass Pythagorean, avoid BEAN products
d) For PROPHET SubClass Southern Baptist, add extra MAYONNAISE.
e) For PROPHET Subclass Jew, consult Appendix K.
6. Any incorporation of Olive Loaf into Procedure will be grounds for immediate damnation.
7. Always conclude Procedure with ritual dismissal, “You want fries with that?”