Monday, September 21, 2009

Left Behindfeld, Act I, Scene II

Left Behindfeld: a comedy about a book about nothing. The following covers the "activity" of Tribulation Force from pages 60-74

“Buck” Williams = Jerry Seinfeld
Rayford Steele = George Costanza
Chloe Steele = Elaine Bennis
Rev. Bruce Barnes = Kramer
Guest starring Christina Hendricks as Hattie Durham
Plus special guest star playing the role of Nicolae Carpathia

[SCENE: JERRY’S apartment. JERRY is talking on the phone, finishing a conversation. He hangs up, then immediately dials his voice mail.]

JERRY: No messages on voice mail. No one called while I was on the phone. Good. I’m all caught up on messages.

KRAMER bolts through the door, into the room, looking confused and disheveled.

JERRY: Oh, hi Kramer! Glad you could stop by. You seem a little agitated.

KRAMER begins pacing back and forth, head & hands twitching.

KRAMER: I’ve been reading the Book of Revelations, Jerry. Bad stuff, man. Really bad stuff. The End Times are upon us, and it’s NOT good news!

JERRY: OK, calm down. What have you found out?

KRAMER: Well, for starters, that Montana guy?

JERRY: Carpathia?

KRAMER: Yeah, him. I think he’s the Anti-Christ!

JERRY: Of course he’s the Anti-Christ. I told you that. I saw him murder someone, brainwash everyone else in the room, and divide up control of the world to his ten lieutenants.

KRAMER: Yeah, right. At that meeting you were never at, for that story that you never published! Well never mind that. The stuff in this book, it’s out there Jerry. Really trippy stuff! And I think it points right at Mr. Appalachia!

JERRY: Carpathia.

KRAMER: Whatever. Anyway, I gotta work on my sermon. The people have got to be told, Jerry. The people must be told!

JERRY: Don’t you read the paper, Kramer? Carpathia is the head of the U.N. now.


JERRY: The U. (pause) N. You know what that stands for?


JERRY: The United Nations. Look, we have a President of the United States, and he’s one of the most powerful men in the world. This guy is basically the president of the United Nations, and a nation is a lot more powerful than a state!

KRAMER (worried & confused): So what are you saying, Jerry?

JERRY: I’m saying the U.S. is a nation with a president, and the United Nations has the US as one of its nations. So the Secretary General of the U.N. is like the President of Presidents, the King of –

KRAMER: Hey, watch it now!

JERRY: I’m just saying you might want to be careful about calling him names, because if you’re right, he’s not only really powerful, but pretty evil too. You know, like the “hiring goons to take you out” kind of evil.

KRAMER (shocked and nervous): Really? You think so?

JERRY: Oh I think so!

KRAMER (sounding choked): But I’ve already started telling people he’s the Anti-Christ!

JERRY: Well, you should stop telling people. Heck, you should try to figure out a way to un-tell people if you can.

KRAMER (looking panicked): I gotta go!

KRAMER bolts out the door, slamming it behind him. JERRY looks mildly amused, walks over to the couch, picks up the phone and starts dialing.

JERRY: Hey Elaine! You going to church on Sunday? Hmm… hey, have you seen my new apartment yet?



J Neo Marvin said...

I nearly spit out my Merlot when I read this! Jerry (the character, I know nothing about the real Jerry Seinfeld) is the perfect Buck, a smug nonentity who thinks he's the coolest thing alive and takes for granted that he's the center of the universe. From now on, I will hear all of Fred's quotes from Tribble Force in the voices of Seinfeld characters.

Anonymous said...

Simply. Brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely fabulous. More please?