The biblical justification for Left Behind

Will everyone please stop being so gosh darn shocked about the Truths that saint La Haye and his right holiness Jenkins have given us. It's nothing more nor less than a literal reading of the scripture, people! I forget the exact verse number, but it's the bit that reads:

And Jesus spoke unto the multitude, and he did say "all you who follow me shall go to heaven, so long as you say the sinner's prayer, and say it in at least a heart felt-ish sort of way. After that it's easy street. Sin all you like, it doesn't matter, I've got your back, and it's you and me in paradise forever baby. The exact text of this 'sinner's Prayer' will be made up later, but trust me, you'll recognize it when it comes.

Now I want to be perfectly clear about this here, so nobody can ever say I didn't lay it out literally and clearly: Say the words and it's heaven forever, and the right to start feeling pretty darn smug about all these ninnies here who aren't buying this stuff. I get this wonderfully heart warming feeling of condescending pity whenever I think about them, tortured for all eternity, just wishing they could change what they had said all those millions of years ago when they were still alive, and hadn't yet got to see with their own eyes that Satan is oh so real a person. Look at them all, standing around here, not even breaking a sweat. Well we'll show them, eh. Oh yes, by the love of daddy. You and me, we're way awesomer than that load of imbeciles. 'Course, we'll forgive them if they join up, but they better get with that pronto, because... well, I'm not telling you exactly when the hammer will fall, but trust me, it could come at any time. Like the Spanish Inquisition - heh, that's a joke, people will understand later, trust me on that, too.

But anyway, you the faithful! Oy vey, the rewards I have in stock for you! In fact here's a teeny preview: Three words: 'Steaming', 'piles', 'vegetables'. Except picture those bad boys just dreeenched in butter. Drenched, I'm not even kidding."

And the multitude were pleased. Well, some of it. The only worthwhile bits, lets say.