Variations on a Bitter Theme

The actual text of Earl and Rayford's conversation in Tribulation Force:

"You hit me with all that church and Rapture stuff, and I was polite, wasn't I?"

"A little too polite."

"But I took it as a friend, just like you listen to me when I brag about my kids, right?"

"I wasn't bragging about anything."

"No, but you were excited about it. You found something that gave you comfort and helped explain your losses, and I say, great, whatever makes your boat float. You started pressing me about coming to church and reading my Bible and all that, and I told you, kindly I hope, that I considered that personal and that I would appreciate it if you'd lay off."

"And I did. Though I still pray for you."

"Well, hey, thanks."

Variant 1:

"You hit me with all that church and Rapture stuff, and I was polite, wasn't I?"

"A little too polite."

"But I took it as a friend, just like you listen to me when I brag about my kids- Sorry. Oh my god, I am so sorry. I just- I just didn't think … I - I'm … Jesus. I'm so, so sorry."

Rayford didn't say anything. It wasn't Earl's fault. People slipped up. There were so many things you couldn't say anymore. So many things that would strike the wrong nerve. You had to constantly think before you spoke to make sure you didn't mention children. Everyone slipped up sometimes.

Rayford himself had said some very stupid things. He still felt bad about what he'd asked that kindergarten teacher.

It was easy to forgive Earl. What wasn't easy was dealing with thoughts about his son. He didn't think about Raymie that much. He couldn't. If he let himself do it he'd be unable to function. Even now, at nothing more than the word "kids" he could feel pressure building behind his eyes as tears prepared to push out. He could feel the deepest sadness he had ever known rising up inside.

For the thousandth time he reminded himself that his son wasn't dead. But as with every time before, the distinction seemed academic. Not a comfort so much as a technicality. His son was in Heaven just as any dead child would be. He tried to tell himself that was a good thing, that he should be happy that his son was in paradise, but it had never made the loss any easier before and this time was no different.

Raymie was in Heaven, Rayford was sure of it, but that still meant he was not here. Not on earth with Rayford. That hurt. It was a pain that he couldn't rationalize away. A piece of his soul had been torn out, and the fact that that piece was in Heaven didn't make the gaping hole it left behind any more bearable.

Rayford forced himself to speak, and said what he wanted to believe, "You don't have to apologize. I know where my son is. He's in Heaven. That's cause for celebration not-" He couldn't make himself believe it. In the abstract he knew it to be true. But in the practice the first tear slid down his face, soon to be followed by many more.

-

Variant 2:

"You hit me with all that church and Rapture stuff, and I was polite, wasn't I?"

"A little too polite."

"But I took it as a friend, just like you listen to me when I brag about..." Earl blinked several times. Then hung his head. He sniffed. "I'm – I'm all right. Just give me-" his breathing became ragged. "I can...” The first sob came. "Oh, god ... my kids." Tears ran freely down Earl's face.

Rayford wasn't sure what to do. He wanted to tell Earl there was nothing to be sad about, that his children were in Heaven with God, but he'd tried that before. Earl didn't want to hear it. He'd made that clear.

-

These were inspired by Raka's version:

"But I took it as a friend, just like you listen to me when I brag about my kids, right?"

"I mean, bragged. Past tense. Back when I had kids. A few weeks ago. Man, the things that slip your mind, y'know? Ha, I'd probably forget my head if it weren't for the fact that everything that made my life worth living was snatched away in one cruel instant and here I am engaging in this ludicrous pantomime of pseudo-human interaction with you and what were we talking about? You gonna finish those fries?"

-

(I know, I know; his kids might very well be past the magical cut-off date. Still. Casual references to children should be about as socially acceptable as taking your pants off in a crowded elevator at this point.)