Saturday, June 20, 2009

UN Dungeon Crawl: Scene the First

The party:
Buck (Half-Elf Bard)
Rayford (Human Fighter)
Steve (Dwarven Rogue)
Chloe (Human Cleric - lawful good!)
Bruce (Human Mage)

DM: Okay, guys. You're standing at the entrance to a colossal, monolithic fortress of the Assembled Kingdoms in the heart of New Y...Waterdeep, this is. Or Schmew Mork. Whatever. It's a phenomenally ugly building, the infernal architecture hinting at the terror that lies within the walls. What foul excuse for government goes on here! And how can the populace remain so blind to its fiendish purpose? But you must enter! You know that this is the headquarters of the evil wizard Nikolius Alpsius, and that he's incredibly close to seizing control of the whole world. What's your plan?

Bruce: My Scroll of Immutable, Infalliable Prophecy says that the "Agent of Bane" -- Nikolius, obviously -- is unstoppable, except after seven years when the messiah... wazziz his name in this game? Baldur? When he comes back to kick everyone's ass. So really, there's not much point in storming the castle.

Chloe: Dude, we're supposed to be heroes. If we don't try to stop Nikolius, he'll walk all over everyone. We have to try. Oh, and Daddy? Could you mention to the Bard that he could maybe ask me out if he wants?

Rayford: Why don't you tell him yourself? Wink, wink...

Chloe: I think my god wouldn't approve. I'll never level up if I incur the wrath of my deity by speaking to an older man about romantic topics.

Rayford: Good point. Hey, Buck, I notice you seem to be quite taken with my daughter.

Steve: Wait. Is she your daughter in-game too? Because that's sort of weird.

DM: Excuse me, can we play? How are you all getting into the Assembled Kingdoms building?

Steve: Well, the wizard thinks that our bard is his agent, so why doesn't he go in first and check it out?

Buck: But.... but we'll be separated then. I'd rather not be alone. I need to have protection--

Chloe (aside, blushingly): Oh, he is soo thoughtful.

Buck: --from the guards. Can someone come in with me?

Bruce: No, you'll be fine. The wizard even gave you an invitation to the meeting he's holding. If you get into that, you'll see everyone who's involved and you can write a song about it later so the whole world will know about the evilness of the wizard.

Steve: Good luck with that.

Buck: What do you mean?

Steve: It's just that you've never done, you know, the bard thing. When you tell people things that you know? And they listen to your skillful rendition? I've heard of it, but I've never seen it.

Buck: I sang in that pub just the other day!

Steve: Yeah, but you sang some incredibly old song that everyone already knew. You only got a few coppers from the drunk who felt sorry for you.

Chloe: Well, I'm sure you could make up a really good song anytime you wanted. Because everyone says you have like a super high intelligence and charisma score.

Buck: I don't like to brag...

Rayford (chuckles): No need to, Bucky Duck. You're obviously very...skilled.

Bruce (clears throat): Umm...

DM: Right. The bard approaches the entrance first? Is that what's happening?

Buck: Well, okay. But we need to communicate.

Bruce: Okay, everyone pull out your Tenser's Tiny Enchanted Earhorn! Remember, we can use them to talk with anyone from the party, but they have limited charges. Use them wisely.

Buck: YES!!!!!!

Rayford: YES!!!!

Steve: YES!!!!!

Chloe: YES!!!!!

Bruce: YES!!!!

DM: Jesus Christ.

( End scene. Pause play for Doritos and Mt. Dew.)


Rhoadan said...


BTW, shouldn't the Agent of Bane have been named for a range in the Forgotten Realms?

Anonymous said...

yes, except that I could only think of the "Giant's Belt" range, which was awkward as a last name.

Anonymous said...

BAHAHAHAHA! Well done.